My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding

chapter 5



Oh incredible hangover, that is me this morning. My head throbs. My tummy is illin.

“I’m guessing someone had a good time last night.” Callum kisses me on the forehead. He’s leaning over the bed I’m lying in, having just gotten out of the shower. He smells of clean soap and aftershave, which is a scent on him I usually enjoy, right now though every smell in existence makes me want to puke.

“I had an okay time.” I admit. What I’m not about to admit to is the bit during the evening that ensured the good times did not extend beyond 11pm.

“Judging by these, I’d say we’re going to be having a very good time every night from now on.”

Cracking open an eye I’m startled enough by the object Callum is holding in his hands to attempt sitting up. I decide I’m not stupid enough to inflict more pain on my head, so I continue to lie on my front instead.

He already went through my bridal gifts downstairs. “Those are for after the wedding, honey bunches.”

“Oh.” Callum places the rubbery sex device onto the bedside table. “Damn.”

“Don’t be too depressed, my love.” I mumble into my pillow. “It’s not like I’m in the best state for trying out devices that I don’t even dare to look at.” Some of the sex toys I’d received are scary big!

“Well I guess you’d better get some rest today.” Callum has gotten dressed into his usual button down white shirt and black trousers. “I’ve already phoned Anika at the cafe and she said her and Fiona will take care of things just fine on their own.”

Ah Fiona. My part time assistant. I think I do deserve a day off. I’m starting to think all this wedding stuff is really getting to me.

“Wow.” I blurt. “Do you realise what this means, honey?”

Callum looks down at me questioningly.

“It means I’m going to take my first day off in two years.”

My fiancé smiles. “You deserve a rest, my darling. You’ve done a fantastic job since opening your own cafe two years ago to the day.” He walks out of the bedroom after that, leaving me to my hangover and ponderous thoughts.

I didn’t even realise today really is the second anniversary of the day I opened my cafe, which I’d hastily named after myself. Well, I certainly never pictured myself celebrating by taking the day off for the anniversary of Emily’s Cafe. I don’t really know what’s got into me lately. It feels strange how the worry of our wedding seems to have changed so much about the outlook of my life.

Oh well, if I’m going to take a day off then I might as well do it right. For me this means making myself do the opposite of what I normally do. On a regular day I’m running amok like a busy bee. Today, however, I’m hangover girl who doesn’t have any qualms about staying in bed. Regardless of the fact that I know I’ll have a whole days’ worth of tasks to do tomorrow. For now though, sleep is the only subconscious errand I’m going to metaphorically run.

As soon as I close my eyes I drift back into sleep.

***



When I next wake the light in the room looks dim. “What the…?” Grabbing my phone off the bedside table, I look at the time. “Nine o’clock? Callum?” I shout. “You let me sleep all day?”

My fiancé comes running into the room. “What’s the matter?” He looks worried as he sits down next to me on the bed.

“It’s nine o’clock at night.”

“I know right!” He pecks me on the cheek with his lips. “You slept like someone in a coma.”

My mouth drops open in astonishment. “Cal, I could have actually been in a coma for all you know!”

Rising to his feet my fiancé heads towards the closet, getting undressed along the way. “Well, if you were in a coma you certainly needed the rest.”

“Not that much rest!” Quickly, I jump out of bed. My head is clear enough for me to realise I should never have been so lazy. “I’ve been lying there like a blob for over twenty four hours.” I indicate the bed with a pointed finger. “Do you want me to turn into one of those obese people who can’t get out of bed?”

Callum frowns at me. “I don’t know, babe. Shall I start force feeding you meals in bed and we’ll find out?”

“Oh you!” I throw a pillow at him. He catches it and laughs. Pushing my way past him I dig out my oversized workout clothes from the wardrobe.

“You’re getting dressed now? But it’s nearly bed time, my darling.” My affianced pushes up against me. “Actually, come to think of it, I think you need another twenty four hours in bed with me.”

I can’t help giggling because Callum is saying all of this into my neck as he nuzzles me. But no! I must retain some resolve lest I explode with chub. Pushing him away, I stab my legs into hurriedly into my yoga pants. “I need to work out every day, Cal. The wedding is just weeks away!”

He shakes his head. “Are you sure you should go to the gym after lying in bed all day?”

I snort a laugh. “That’s exactly why I need to go to the gym!”

And that’s that. I’m a woman obsessed. The old me is back after just one day of slacking off. What was I thinking taking the day off work just because I had a hangover? Okay, so it was the worst hangover I can ever remember having experienced in my entire life, but that’s still no excuse!

As I enter the car parked in the driveway I’m determined to sweat off all the lazy fat that’s surely built up under my skin from lying around for such a long time. While I’m driving up the road I’m tempted to phone up Brenda. I’m so angry at myself for being such a slacker that I’m tempted to take one of her classes at the Meli Spa.

But no. There’s no way I’d be able to walk through the doors of the spa where I was almost electrocuted to death. So I’m heading to the Splash gym instead.

When I arrive I head straight into Kirsten’s late night Zumba class. I hear familiar pumping music and I spot Stevie in the corner of the mirror-walled room.

“Emily!” Kirsten screeches over the loud music coming from the robot. “Ssshhh!” She starts punching buttons on Stevie’s bot face. The music its kicking out suddenly cuts off.

“How can you use that thing after it nearly killed me, Kirsten?”

The girl runs toward me. “Stevie is fixed now, Emily! I swear!”

Shaking my head I start to back out of the exercise room. “It doesn’t matter… I… I was going to take a bike shred class tonight instead anyway.” I wasn’t really, but I don’t want to hurt Kirsten’s feelings by telling her that I just don’t trust her bot.

“Are you sure?” She frowns at me. “Oliver totally fixed my robot and he promised it won’t malfunction again.”

“Don’t worry about it, hun.” I reassure her with a smile as I head out the door. Just be for I leave arse-first through the exit I can’t help glancing Stevie’s way. I swear the chrome robot scowls at me when all of its glowing lights turn a menacing shade of red as I depart.

***



Heading towards the massive open plan gym equipment area, I find twenty (or so) stationary exercise bikes all facing each other in a circular set-up. There are a few men and women around wearing lycra who are stretching and warming up, which of course is a must before working out. Therefore, after dropping my gym bag next to an exercise bike —and calling dibs on it— I too begin stretching and warming up my muscles.

“All right everyone!” A woman shouts and I turn in time to see a very muscly brunette heading towards us. “I’m Donna and we’re about to get started,” she bellows and hops onto one of the cycles. I watch for a moment as women either slightly smaller or the same size as me all hop onto various bikes. I don’t feel too uncomfortable in the presence of others who are trying just as hard as I am to lose weight.

I sit down onto a stationary bicycle. The seat is a bit low, but Donna has already begun. She punches some buttons on the instructor’s bike panel and some really pumping music fills our corner of the gym.

“All right everyone. Let’s get fit!” Donna claps her hands all the way over her head to the beat of the music. No one else copies her, so I don’t either. We do, however, start rotating our pedal’s like Donna has.

Oops. I forgot to adjust the tension settings before I hopped onto my bike. I have no idea how to turn the pressure down on the panel over the handlebars either. It’s a good thing Donna is starting out at a slow pace, because I’m finding this cycling business to be like an uphill hike already. When beads of sweat prematurely pop out on my forehead, I’m desperate to locate the tension adjustment button.

I start pushing the minus sign on my handlebar panel. I figure if I just avoid pressing any plus symbols I’ll be okay.

And that’s worked. The tension in my bike’s pedals has decreased. I don’t want anyone to know that I’ve turned the tension all the way off though, so I pump my legs slowly, acting like I’ve just turned the tension up.

Clap, pump. Clap and pump.

Donna shouts out motivating instructions. I’m really getting into the easy-going pace of the cycle class. I really don’t know why they call it a shred lesson. I’m actually having fun at this and it’s even easier going than Zumba Zumba!

“All right everyone,” Donna says for the umpteenth time. “That’s it for the warm up. Let’s get ready to shred! And three… two… one.”

Oh f*ck. I’m in trouble now.

Without warning all the cyclists lean into their handlebars, even Donna does. Immediately the class members double, then triple their pedal pumping speed. It’s like watching berserk maniacs! If these bikes weren’t stationary they’d all be cycling at one hundred miles per hour! As I continue to stare and pedal relatively slowly in comparison, the woman next to me is going red in the face as she grits her teeth.

Shit. I guess I’d better get with it.

Baring down on the handlebars of my bike I start pumping my legs hard. Faster and faster I go until my feet are spinning the pedals faster than the wheel chain can go. A clicking sound emanates from my cycle so everyone’s going to know I’ve set my bike to zero tension.

Quickly, I press the plus sign on the control panel once. Ooohh, my legs are really starting to burn now.

“And hold!”

Thankfully, Donna ends the strenuous pace. She sits up and everyone —including a very grateful me— follows suit. The pace goes back to a slow pumping of bike pedals.

Just when I’ve managed to catch my breath, Donna shouts and everyone leans forward again.

Oh no. I can’t do this! Now I truly know why they call this a shred class! If I keep this up my leg muscles really will shred themselves into bits and fall completely off my body!

There’s nothing else for it. I don’t want to look like a slacker who can’t keep up. I lean forward again and start pumping the pedals as hard as I dare. I even grit my teeth in a grimacing smile. I have to, this is crazy difficult!

“Come on push!” Donna screeches as though we’re all giving birth, or something. “Shred your bike! Show no mercy!”

What the f*ck? How about you show me some mercy? You stark raving mad b—

My internal cursing of the cycle instructor are abruptly halted when she finally relents. But it’s only a brief reprise before we’re all off and pedalling like lunatics once again.

This goes on for the next twenty minutes and by the time we’ve finally reached cool-down mode, I’m beyond spent.

I try not to show it though. Everyone has sat fully upright on their bikes and the pedalling pace is slow. They’ve all grabbed towels from their handlebars and begin wiping off rivers of sweat.

Damn. I really should have thought to take my towel out of my gym bag first. Now I just have to sit here with sweat pouring into my eyes as it drips down off my drenched scalp. Even though the warm-down pedalling pace is slow, I’m still sweating like a pig. I can hardly breathe and I’m thanking myself for at least having the good sense not to wear an inappropriately small sized sports bra right now. There won’t be any false alarm heart-attacks from me tonight!

Suddenly, everyone starts hopping off their bikes.

What? That’s it for the cool-down? Well I for one am definitely not warmed-down in the least. My heart is still banging like a row of firecrackers inside my chest. I scoot off my bike seat quickly though, and I try my hardest to not look like I’m gasping for air. If I were on my own I’d definitely be huffing and puffing in great gulps right now. I don’t want anyone to think I’m a wuss though, so I grab my gym bag and head out of the equipment area as quickly as my shredded legs will allow.

My footsteps are a bit wobbly, but over all I think I’ll be okay.

“So how was the class?” Kirsten stops me in the wide corridor. I can see through the glass front wall of her classroom and I’m guessing she just came away from instructing a quick Zumba dance.

“It wasn’t that bad actually.” I don’t think I’m lying through my teeth as I reply to Kirsten. “I feel quite pumped really.” This is true too. I feel extremely pumped and I know all my hard work is going to pay off. “I’ll probably lose a stone by tomorrow morning!”

Kirsten smiles at me. It seems I’ve finally managed to catch my breathe. “I hope this doesn’t mean you’ll be doing the shred class instead of coming to my Zumba now.” Her smile fades. “Seriously, Emily, Stevie is all fixed up!”

“Oh I don’t know, Kirsten. We’ll see.” And I leave it at that as I leave the gym. When I hop into my car I’m still feeling pretty good. I drive home and hop straight into the shower. After drying off and padding barefoot into the carpeted bedroom, I blow dry my hair at my vanity table, then slip quietly into bed next to a dozing Callum.

Usually I don’t mind if he wakes as it usually means we’ll make rumpy-pumpy-time. I’ve had quite enough leggy-pumpy-time already at the gym though, so I’m okay with missing out on more pumpy-wumpy anything for the rest of the night.